A little late night excitement, but seriously. . .

Well, Sunday has been a very dramatic day in our home due to lack of sleep. Its not what you may think; Lisette was cooperative, and Franklin went to bed at a very good time. Franklin is absolutely wonderful when we put him to bed. No worries, no crying, no fuss, he stays quietly in his room till he's out. Lisette has been amazing lately with being able to sleep from about 11:00 p.m. till 5:30 or 6:00 am.m. We've also been called into one of the nurseries here, and Franklin is very happy about that.

No, Saturday night was a very different night for us, all of us. At about 10:00 p.m. last night we had a little rendezvous with our entire building. We all just sat out and talked on the lawn for a little while. Our little late night outing, at least out of our house, lasted from about 10 till 12:30 Saturday night.

Why? you ask. After I finished baking some cookies, doing some late night laundry as we begin a movie, we hear this really irritating beeping. Finally I look out the window and see our nextdoor neighbors out on the grass, the whole family and the dog. Stephen looks through our peep hole and sees dark smoke coming out of our neighbors apartment. Yes, there is a fire. Don't worry, everyone is fine. They were also doing some late night laundry, and their dryer quit, sparked, and the rest is yesterday's news. The fire was contained very quickly, we just had to wait till the CO levels were down in their apartment to make sure all the apartments were safe. Honestly, don't worry, nothing happened to our place, just a little smoke came in through the temporarily open door as we went in and out. Our cats had a party in our bathroom while we waited, and Franklin got his second wind, and was entertaining some of the neighbors. Lisette, like I said, was very cooperative. She got her way; we never put her down.

Now the rest of my blog is going to be more about me; Lisl. I'm going to be selfish for just a little bit, after all, its my blog, and aside from one entry from Stephen, I'm the only contributor.

One thing that is almost never talked about is the subject of depression. More commercials are trying to raise awareness. After all, the first step to getting better is recognizing it, then getting help is easier. I won't say that being open about it is easy. I've been there. I've been prone to depression for many years. Its come and gone. I've had times that I've been too proud to admit to myself that I was having a problem with depression and that's when it would get worse. Before I was pregnant with Franklin was one of the worst struggles with depression I had ever had, and I stupidly remained too proud to ask for help. I won't go into to details about that struggle, but I will say that it can be very dangerous to refuse help.

Luckily for me I have an easy in to get help; my dad. Years ago it was too difficult to talk to him, even my mom for that matter, about my problems. After all these years its been easier for me to talk to him and others about my experiences. My most recent has been, actually right now. Since Lisette was born I've been struggling with some issues that I was just blaiming on being just a little emotional with the change in hormones from having a baby. Wrong.

Before she was born I was determined to give breastfeeding a more forcefull try with her. Franklin failed pretty much from the start, so I never noticed any signs of issues with that. I kept coming up with excusses why I didn't want to nurse her once I got her home. Then I slowly started not wanting to hold her. That's a huge problem for her since she's pretty spoiled. I was also battling fatigue that was only getting worse. I had some medication from while I was pregnant that my dad prescribed to me, so just a few days after she was born I started taking it again, so I thought it was just a phase. However I started to realize that the subject of breastfeeding was very delicate, and I would get easily offended.

That was just rediculous to be offended over nothing; nursing is a personal choice, and my decision with Franklin when he was 3 months old was; If you're stressed too much as a mother, then find the things you can change. After all a stressed mom makes being a mother difficult, and stresses the child. A mom who feels good about herself, and is able to make time for herself makes being a mom easier, and the child is happier too.

As my medication was getting close to a refill I started to ponder if it was doing me any good. I'm sure it was to a degree, but with the fatigue, not wanting to hold my child as often, getting shorter on my patience, and not feeling like I was any good at being a good mom (that was the worst part) I knew that I needed something more. Some women have worse, or less, but its all the same thing; post-partum depression. I knew that I didn't want to go down that dangerous road. I knew I was a good mother because Franklin is a very good child, but I didn't feel that way. I knew that the sleep I was getting should be enough, but I was struggling to wake up in the mornings. I knew I didn't have to feel this way. I got in touch with my dad and let him know all that I was feeling and thinking.

On Monday, Aug. 24th, I received my new medication and I feel great as mother. I've been getting enough sleep, and able to play with Franklin. I do hold Lisette more, but obviously I can't all the time, at least not as much as she wants. Franklin has been happier (apart from Sunday with the lack of sleep from the fire next door) daily, and the overall mood at home has been a thousand times better. I'm wanting to cook again, and Stephen loves my cooking so he's thrilled. I'm making better attempts at keeping the house clean. Being myself again has made all the difference.

After seeing the drastic change in myself within a week made me determined to speak openly about it. Having been through the hurt makes me want to let others who are hurting know that you don't have to. Its not normal, its not a phase. You can conquer it, you will over come it. I used to be embarrassed about my depression, ashamed. You don't have to feel that way. I know that speaking to others who have been there helps. I have a family member that has suffered post-partum depression and talking with her about it helped me recognize it. Being able to admit to yourself that what you are feeling isn't normal is the first step to getting yourself back. So if anyone wants an open ear (or eyes) you can write me privately if you want to know more about my struggles, or triumph as I am getting myself back. Now I'm not saying my struggle is over, but I am overcoming it. Write me at lisl_music@hotmail.com

Thanks for allowing me to be selfish. 2 days ago I got the feeling that I needed to share my story, but I didn't know to whom, or how. On Saturday I realized an easy way for me to tell it was through my blog. After all, a few friends have been asking me on tips about how to keep a regular blog, and my answer is, pretend its your journal (that everyone can read). If you write as if its a journal then its easier to figure out what to write about. So this is my journal entry for today.